my head hurts, i’m shaking, i feel like i might puke, my heart’s racing.  i don’t think i’m dying so i guess it’s not a panic attack, but it’s pretty darn close.  sigh.  i know i’m not alone but i feel pretty darn alone right now

As I was walking back from lunch today, it occurred to me that I spend too much time worrying about the inevitable.

“What’s wrong with that?” you might ask. “At least she’s worrying about things that will actually happen, rather than inventing irrational worries.”

“True dat,” I eloquently respond.  BUT the problem with worrying about the inevitable is two-fold:

1. If it’s truly inevitable, you can’t change it, so what’s the point of worrying?
2. Many of the inevitable things I worry about may, and probably WON’T, occur until the distant future.

For example, I worry about losing my parents.  Both are in their 50s and in good health, and I have no reason to think they are any more likely to die today than I am.

I worry about my dog, which is probably a more immediate worry since he’s 13 years old, wheezy, and full of lumps and bumps.  But he’s happy enough and seems to feel pretty darn good on most days, so I should appreciate the time I have with him, rather than worrying.

I also dwell on upcoming events, like a trip I’m taking in about a month, where I’ll be missing my boyfriend.  Again, this is happening, and then it’ll be over, and all will be well, and it’s definitely not worth worrying about in advance.  But I do.

How do I let go of all of this stuff and live in the moment a little bit more?

No? Not so much? I know. It’s OK.

In this case, no news is OK news. I think returning my Lexapro dosage to 20 mg has been a good thing. I don’t feel quite as wack as I was feeling, so that’s good. Sleep has been excellent. I’m reading The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine Aron, as recommended by HSP Woman, and it’s definitely giving me some things to think about (though I’m wondering if I’m actually an HSP, since I was NOT a super sensitive baby, according to my parents–slept well, didn’t cry much, etc… but it’s interesting).

I did have some moody-craziness last weekend, which I didn’t understand, but then my period showed up, on day 16 of my cycle and way heavier than usual. I don’t know what’s up with that, but nothing surprises me in that respect anymore.

My dentist recommended an NTI device for my jaw pain, and I got it today, so I’m hoping it’ll help me with my TMJ fun.

Anyway, I think that’s all for now. Hope you’re all doing well!

Subject says it all.

So, I just got all teary cause my boyfriend works the next two nights.  He often works two nights.  But I am on my period, suffering from allergies, and lowered my dosage of Lexapro this week.  So, it’s normal that I’m being dumb and emotional over nothing, right?

As I mentioned in my previous post, I took 25 mg of Lexapro for the past two days, and now I’m down to 20 mg as of this morning.  Last week’s anxiety has dwindled, but I am feeling pretty lethargic and a little bit down.  I think that’s somewhat a result of allergies and my period, though.

I also went to my gynecologist yesterday, and my woman parts are all fine and dandy (with results from my pap smear pending).  I’ve been spotting since Saturday, and today my full-blown period started, so I was definitely PMS/DDing last week (and probably the week before, since my period was more than 10 days late).  My gyno said that the irregularity of my period, even though I’m on Loestrin 24 Fe, is not a cause for concern.  He said that some people are regularly irregular, and while he could switch my pill again, I shouldn’t be worried or anything.  For now, I’m just happy that I don’t have deathly horrible cramps or disastrous mood swings like I did before I was on the pill (and when I was on other birth control pills–i.e., Yasmin).  So, it’s good and bad news.  Sometimes, I almost wish they’d find something physically wrong in that respect, so they’d have something to fix.  Oh well, I know you have to be very careful what you wish for…

At yesterday’s psychiatrist visit, I told him that I think the higher dose of Lexapro has made me worse, if anything, so I’m going back to 20 mg. Since I had one last 10 mg tablet left, I split it in half and took 25 mg today and will take 25 again tomorrow, then I’ll be back to 20. I’m hoping this will be a good thing, since I am sleeping much better, with the trazodone, which makes such a difference. Anyway, we’ll see how it goes.

My period has arrived, or at least some sort of spotting, so there goes tomorrow’s gynecologist appointment, sigh. I don’t think he’ll let me have my exam, even if I’m just spotting, right?

This blog is a good thing, but the problem is that I haven’t had it for the past five years or so.

I mean, I sort of remember life before going on meds, and I remember when I was on meds that didn’t work.  I think I cried almost nightly.  I remember my boyfriend almost broke up with me (for about an hour, but still!) because he just thought nothing he could do would make me happy.  I remember having very little social life during grad school, because I just couldn’t deal with socializing, particularly when I was just so stressed about “proving myself” in a grad program that I wasn’t expected to succeed in.  Things were bad.  I was not functional, even though I don’t think many people knew…

But things are kind of bad now.  I’m at work, and I feel like crying because I think my co-worker is avoiding me.  It’s probably paranoia, or she’s probably having problems of her own, or whatever, but I just read into things too much (HSP?).  I also am feeling panicky because my boss just asked me to do something she’d agreed to do, which is due next Tuesday (and I’m taking a half sick-day to go to the ob-gyn on Monday).  Again, I still feel like I’m PMDDing, but no period, and I am now on day 38 of my cycle.

I have an inkling that I was feeling better two months ago, before my psychiatrist increased my dosage of Lexapro to 30 mg, but I’m not positive.  I don’t think it’s making me feel any better, that’s for sure!  So I guess I’ll see about going back to 20 mg.  Will decreasing the dosage put me through another hellish month, while adjust?  Probably.  Sigh.

The fun never ends.

Yup, now I’m crying about nothing.  God, I wish I knew if I was hormonal.

Also, my framed Pearl Jam concert poster just fell off my wall and hit me on the head.  Super.

First off, I want to say a big THANK YOU to all of you who leave me comments saying “I know what you’re going through.”  I love hearing that.   Well, I don’t love knowing that other people have to deal with this shit, because that would be selfish, I guess.  But it does help to know that I’m not completely alone.

I’m anxious. Again. I made the mistake of checking my work e-mail after I got home, and ended up getting anxious to the point of feeling physically ill about something that I logically know is SO not a big deal.  The dean apparently told my boss to “stop the presses” on an ad I wrote.  But she approved it, her boss approved it, so if there’s something wrong with it (I’ll find out what it was tomorrow), they should’ve caught it.  It’s really, really no big deal.  Yet, I will still lose sleep over it.  Or maybe not, because I took lorazepam and am starting to feel much better now!

At least I have something to talk to my psychiatrist about on Saturday, I guess.