MoodBlog

I’m not sure if this is the place for this.

moodblog — Sun, 06 Mar 2011 04:50:00 +0000

But if not, what is the right place?

I’m 30 years old for a few more days. There’s a lump in my right breast. And I’m scared. My gynecologist was very quick to point it out at my annual exam this Friday. It seemed like he barely touched it when he grabbed my hand and said “Feel that?” I felt it. I don’t know how I’ve never felt it before.

I guess I always thought my perky little boobs were small enough that I’d notice any kind of lump (or my boyfriend would) without really making a point of examining them each month. Just like I thought it was ok that my annual exam was scheduled about six months late. I still had enough of my prescription BCPs, so I guess I thought there was no hurry. If something is really wrong with me, I’ll beat myself over that. If nothing is wrong with me, hopefully I’ve learned my lesson.

I’m scared.

I called the specialist my doctor recommended immediately when I got home but I guess her office was closed for the day. Hopefully someone will return my panicky call on Monday. I want to get this over with, whatever “this” is ASAP.

I’m scared, but I’m surprising calm. Maybe this is a testament to my anxiety meds or maybe I’m in denial or shock or something. I think about the possibilities, and logically, I know that the worst-case scenario is unlikely. But it’s now on my radar as a very real possibility.

I’m not sure what else to say at the moment, but I wanted to say something.

Mood Report: Craaaaazy.

moodblog — Sat, 05 Apr 2008 02:01:43 +0000

It’s been one of those weeks where I feel absolutely mental. My heart’s been racing. I think it’s probably PMS, but I wish my M would stop P’in and get here! I had some digestive troubles this week too… Maybe I’m sick.

Ugh.

Lorazepam

moodblog — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 20:12:53 +0000

Yesterday, when I was really anxious, I took a lorazepam, and all was right with the world. How sad is that?

Mood Report

moodblog — Mon, 24 Mar 2008 17:48:08 +0000

I can’t remember if I mentioned this in a previous post, but a couple months ago, I told my psychiatrist that I was no longer sleeping well with 50 mg of Trazodone, so he upped my dose to 100 mg. That seemed to do the trick for a week or so, and then I started sleeping badly again.

Things at work have been messed up, and I’m at that “move up or move out” stage, so that’s increasing my anxiety.

I feel like I’m PMSing, but I don’t think that’s possible. Siiiiigh.

Hello, hello.

moodblog — Sun, 16 Mar 2008 21:54:01 +0000

Does anyone still read this? Probably not, since I haven’t posted in about nine months.

So, to update… I’m still taking Trazodone and Lorazepam for sleep/anxiety. I’m up to 100 mg of Trazodone, and it helps, but sometimes I still need an extra Tylenol PM or two to get to sleep….

Lexapro is still at 20 mg, and I am not an emotional wreck, so I guess it’s working. I have no sex drive, which sucks. Work has been fairly stressful and annoying, and it may be time for a change, soon…

Anyway, it is what it is. I’m going to try to keep up with this blog. Seriously.

Example of My HSPness

moodblog — Thu, 21 Jun 2007 15:46:40 +0000

I work in marketing/public relations. Generally speaking, I’m a writer/editor for a university. I do some design here and there, but I was basically hired as a writer/editor.

I report to the Director of Marketing and Recruitment, and she reports to the Executive Director of Operations. Today, I went downstairs to the bathroom, ran into the exec director, and she asked me to go buy flowers for an event the college is hosting tonight. Now, my supervisor works on those recruitment events, but I don’t work with her on that at all. Never have, and she’s never asked me to, because it’s not in my job description. But the exec director just wanted me to stop working on the write-up I’m doing for a new degree program we’re offering, and run off to buy flowers.

I got THIS close to burst into tears. In fact, I did shed a couple on my walk to the flower place.

I have a freakin’ master’s degree. I am a pretty good writer, I think (even though it doesn’t show here), and I am pretty damn smart, if I do say so myself. This exec director was SUPER nice when she asked me to do this–just as she was nice when she asked me to decorate a bulletin board yesterday and make “Pardon our appearance–we’re renovating!” signs the day before. And she always says “thank you” and acts appreciative. So that’s good, and I do appreciate that. But I feel like… Does she think I’m her bitch now? Her administrative assistant or something? I’m probably reading into it too much, but that stuff hurts me, when it’s already a daily struggle to keep my self esteem up.

My supervisor is completely on my side, and basically said “wtf?!” when she heard I had to go buy flowers. I just hate being seen that way. I want to move up here, and I feel like I’m moving down, if anything.

So yeah, HSPs out there, any advice for not getting all teary when this stuff happens?

Weak

moodblog — Mon, 18 Jun 2007 20:12:04 +0000

I feel like the fact that I’m always tired makes me weak. I’m so jealous of people who can function on little to no sleep. I get about 7.5 hours of sleep on an average week night, and that’s clearly not enough for me, but I just don’t have time in my life to get anymore sleep… not if I want to relax after work, see my boyfriend, get things done around the house, etc. I don’t think it’s asking TOO much that I function on 7.5 hours of sleep, but this is the body I was given, so what can I do?

MoodReport: Tired and light-headed

moodblog — Sat, 16 Jun 2007 02:24:52 +0000

I have my psychiatrist appointment tomorrow. Too bad it won’t accomplish anything.

Aftershock?

moodblog — Wed, 13 Jun 2007 18:41:05 +0000

When I got home from work yesterday at 6 p.m., I took my Lexapro and Loestrin. I took the Loestrin cause you’re supposed to take it ASAP if you miss a dose, and the Lexapro because I didn’t want to have trouble sleeping due to withdrawal. Then, I took them both this morning, at the regular time, so I guess I have 12 hours of overlap with the two doses of Lexapro… Could that explain why I’m feeling weird and anxious? I’m sitting at my desk and my heart is beating really fast. And I’m having trouble focusing.

Seriously, what has happened to me?

How did I get here?

moodblog — Tue, 12 Jun 2007 18:37:07 +0000

Argh!!!

I am really annoyed with myself right now. I am 90 percent sure that I forgot to take my Lexapro and Loestrin AGAIN this morning.

My NTI is throwing off my morning routine — when I would usually take my pills, I still have my NTI in my mouth, so I have to go in the bathroom to take it out and rinse it. By the time that’s done, I’ve forgotten to take my morning pills and by the time I realize it, I’m on the train to work. Sigh. I will definitely get a reserve supply together to bring to work tonight, but for now, I’m just hoping to make it until I get home at 6 p.m. without flipping out. I’m trying all my HSP calming techniques — took a long walk, drinking lots of water, avoiding stress, but I’m starting to feel myself tense up already. I took a lorazepam about a half hour ago, so I’m hoping, praying that’ll get me through the day.

How did I end up NEEDING pills like this?