Does anyone still read this?  Probably not, since I haven’t posted in about nine months.

So, to update…  I’m still taking Trazodone and Lorazepam for sleep/anxiety.  I’m up to 100 mg of Trazodone, and it helps, but sometimes I still need an extra Tylenol PM or two to get to sleep….

Lexapro is still at 20 mg, and I am not an emotional wreck, so I guess it’s working.  I have no sex drive, which sucks.  Work has been fairly stressful and annoying, and it may be time for a change, soon…

Anyway, it is what it is.  I’m going to try to keep up with this blog.  Seriously.

When I got home from work yesterday at 6 p.m., I took my Lexapro and Loestrin.  I took the Loestrin cause you’re supposed to take it ASAP if you miss a dose, and the Lexapro because I didn’t want to have trouble sleeping due to withdrawal.  Then, I took them both this morning, at the regular time, so I guess I have 12 hours of overlap with the two doses of Lexapro…  Could that explain why I’m feeling weird and anxious?  I’m sitting at my desk and my heart is beating really fast.  And I’m having trouble focusing.

Seriously, what has happened to me?

Argh!!!

I am really annoyed with myself right now. I am 90 percent sure that I forgot to take my Lexapro and Loestrin AGAIN this morning.

My NTI is throwing off my morning routine — when I would usually take my pills, I still have my NTI in my mouth, so I have to go in the bathroom to take it out and rinse it. By the time that’s done, I’ve forgotten to take my morning pills and by the time I realize it, I’m on the train to work. Sigh. I will definitely get a reserve supply together to bring to work tonight, but for now, I’m just hoping to make it until I get home at 6 p.m. without flipping out. I’m trying all my HSP calming techniques — took a long walk, drinking lots of water, avoiding stress, but I’m starting to feel myself tense up already. I took a lorazepam about a half hour ago, so I’m hoping, praying that’ll get me through the day.

How did I end up NEEDING pills like this?

Just looked in my pill organizer, and guess what?!  I didn’t take my Lexapro or Loestrin (birth control) yesterday morning.  Might’ve explained last night’s insanity.  Yeah, I rock.  Anyway, it’s good to know there was a partial reason, but bad to know that I can’t go a day without taking those damn pills without having a semi-panic attack.  I am still feeling shaky but I’m starting to feel a bit better as the Lexapro gets into my system, I think.

No? Not so much? I know. It’s OK.

In this case, no news is OK news. I think returning my Lexapro dosage to 20 mg has been a good thing. I don’t feel quite as wack as I was feeling, so that’s good. Sleep has been excellent. I’m reading The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine Aron, as recommended by HSP Woman, and it’s definitely giving me some things to think about (though I’m wondering if I’m actually an HSP, since I was NOT a super sensitive baby, according to my parents–slept well, didn’t cry much, etc… but it’s interesting).

I did have some moody-craziness last weekend, which I didn’t understand, but then my period showed up, on day 16 of my cycle and way heavier than usual. I don’t know what’s up with that, but nothing surprises me in that respect anymore.

My dentist recommended an NTI device for my jaw pain, and I got it today, so I’m hoping it’ll help me with my TMJ fun.

Anyway, I think that’s all for now. Hope you’re all doing well!

At yesterday’s psychiatrist visit, I told him that I think the higher dose of Lexapro has made me worse, if anything, so I’m going back to 20 mg. Since I had one last 10 mg tablet left, I split it in half and took 25 mg today and will take 25 again tomorrow, then I’ll be back to 20. I’m hoping this will be a good thing, since I am sleeping much better, with the trazodone, which makes such a difference. Anyway, we’ll see how it goes.

My period has arrived, or at least some sort of spotting, so there goes tomorrow’s gynecologist appointment, sigh. I don’t think he’ll let me have my exam, even if I’m just spotting, right?

This blog is a good thing, but the problem is that I haven’t had it for the past five years or so.

I mean, I sort of remember life before going on meds, and I remember when I was on meds that didn’t work.  I think I cried almost nightly.  I remember my boyfriend almost broke up with me (for about an hour, but still!) because he just thought nothing he could do would make me happy.  I remember having very little social life during grad school, because I just couldn’t deal with socializing, particularly when I was just so stressed about “proving myself” in a grad program that I wasn’t expected to succeed in.  Things were bad.  I was not functional, even though I don’t think many people knew…

But things are kind of bad now.  I’m at work, and I feel like crying because I think my co-worker is avoiding me.  It’s probably paranoia, or she’s probably having problems of her own, or whatever, but I just read into things too much (HSP?).  I also am feeling panicky because my boss just asked me to do something she’d agreed to do, which is due next Tuesday (and I’m taking a half sick-day to go to the ob-gyn on Monday).  Again, I still feel like I’m PMDDing, but no period, and I am now on day 38 of my cycle.

I have an inkling that I was feeling better two months ago, before my psychiatrist increased my dosage of Lexapro to 30 mg, but I’m not positive.  I don’t think it’s making me feel any better, that’s for sure!  So I guess I’ll see about going back to 20 mg.  Will decreasing the dosage put me through another hellish month, while adjust?  Probably.  Sigh.

The fun never ends.

First off, I want to say a big THANK YOU to all of you who leave me comments saying “I know what you’re going through.”  I love hearing that.   Well, I don’t love knowing that other people have to deal with this shit, because that would be selfish, I guess.  But it does help to know that I’m not completely alone.

I’m anxious. Again. I made the mistake of checking my work e-mail after I got home, and ended up getting anxious to the point of feeling physically ill about something that I logically know is SO not a big deal.  The dean apparently told my boss to “stop the presses” on an ad I wrote.  But she approved it, her boss approved it, so if there’s something wrong with it (I’ll find out what it was tomorrow), they should’ve caught it.  It’s really, really no big deal.  Yet, I will still lose sleep over it.  Or maybe not, because I took lorazepam and am starting to feel much better now!

At least I have something to talk to my psychiatrist about on Saturday, I guess.

clipped from www.cnn.com FDA expands antidepressant warning to young adults Story Highlights • FDA expands antidepressant-suicidal thoughts warning to young adults • Warning would apply to adults 18-24 during the first month or two of treatment • Expert advisory panel recommended the change late last year • Studies have not shown increased risk of suicidal thoughts in adults older than 24 WASHINGTON (AP) — Young adults beginning treatment with antidepressants should be warned about an increased risk of suicidal thoughts and behavior, federal health officials said Wednesday. The Food and Drug Administration proposed labeling changes that would expand a warning now on all antidepressants. The current language applies only to children and adolescents. The expanded warning would apply to adults 18-24 during the first month or two of treatment with the drugs, the FDA said. The proposed label changes would apply to all antidepressants, brand names and generic forms as well.

Read more here.I was 24 when I had my worst troubles with Effexor and Wellbutrin. I was definitely a danger to myself, so I’m glad this is being addressed, though I really hope it means DOCTORS will pay more attention to these patients, because a warning label just isn’t good enough.

I am not sure that my psychiatrist is a very intelligent person.  As I’ve learned through working in higher education, you can get a doctorate and still lack a lot of basic common sense.  That seems to be the case here.

I told him how I’ve been feeling since he increased my doses of Trazodone and Lexapro last month.  Yes, I know I can be complicated and confusing, so I guess it’s not totally his fault.  He told me that I seem a bit “fuzzy” about how I’m feeling and that I should get more sleep because people on meds like these often need more sleep.  I believe that, and I was glad to hear that my urge to go to bed at 10 every night has a valid, scientific explanation.

But in terms of my “fuzzy” description of how I’m feeling…. Shouldn’t he ask the right questions to help me describe it better?  All he asked was “Are you depressed?”  I said I was feeling lethargic, a lot of the time, and that I generally have a pessimistic attitude, knowing that those symptoms alone don’t describe depression, but I hoped they would prompt him to ask more questions.  Instead, he said, “That’s not depressed!”  Well, OK then.  He said to give things another month and try to keep better track of WHEN I’m feeling lethargic.  And to try to get more sleep, which would be super if I didn’t have an hour and 15 minute commute each day.  Seven hours is about all I can fit in!  Blah.

Anyway, that’s basically all I have to recap at this moment.  But expect more posts this month, saying “I’m tired,” just so I can note when I feel that way.