I work in marketing/public relations.  Generally speaking, I’m a writer/editor for a university.  I do some design here and there, but I was basically hired as a writer/editor.

I report to the Director of Marketing and Recruitment, and she reports to the Executive Director of Operations.  Today, I went downstairs to the bathroom, ran into the exec director, and she asked me to go buy flowers for an event the college is hosting tonight.  Now, my supervisor works on those recruitment events, but I don’t work with her on that at all.  Never have, and she’s never asked me to, because it’s not in my job description.  But the exec director just wanted me to stop working on the write-up I’m doing for a new degree program we’re offering, and run off to buy flowers.

I got THIS close to burst into tears.  In fact, I did shed a couple on my walk to the flower place.

I have a freakin’ master’s degree.  I am a pretty good writer, I think (even though it doesn’t show here), and I am pretty damn smart, if I do say so myself.  This exec director was SUPER nice when she asked me to do this–just as she was nice when she asked me to decorate a bulletin board yesterday and make “Pardon our appearance–we’re renovating!” signs the day before. And she always says “thank you” and acts appreciative.  So that’s good, and I do appreciate that.  But I feel like…  Does she think I’m her bitch now?  Her administrative assistant or something?  I’m probably reading into it too much, but that stuff hurts me, when it’s already a daily struggle to keep my self esteem up.

My supervisor is completely on my side, and basically said “wtf?!” when she heard I had to go buy flowers.  I just hate being seen that way.  I want to move up here, and I feel like I’m moving down, if anything.

So yeah, HSPs out there, any advice for not getting all teary when this stuff happens?

I feel like the fact that I’m always tired makes me weak.  I’m so jealous of people who can function on little to no sleep.  I get about 7.5 hours of sleep on an average week night, and that’s clearly not enough for me, but I just don’t have time in my life to get anymore sleep… not if I want to relax after work, see my boyfriend, get things done around the house, etc.  I don’t think it’s asking TOO much that I function on 7.5 hours of sleep, but this is the body I was given, so what can I do?

I have my psychiatrist appointment tomorrow.  Too bad it won’t accomplish anything.

When I got home from work yesterday at 6 p.m., I took my Lexapro and Loestrin.  I took the Loestrin cause you’re supposed to take it ASAP if you miss a dose, and the Lexapro because I didn’t want to have trouble sleeping due to withdrawal.  Then, I took them both this morning, at the regular time, so I guess I have 12 hours of overlap with the two doses of Lexapro…  Could that explain why I’m feeling weird and anxious?  I’m sitting at my desk and my heart is beating really fast.  And I’m having trouble focusing.

Seriously, what has happened to me?

Argh!!!

I am really annoyed with myself right now. I am 90 percent sure that I forgot to take my Lexapro and Loestrin AGAIN this morning.

My NTI is throwing off my morning routine — when I would usually take my pills, I still have my NTI in my mouth, so I have to go in the bathroom to take it out and rinse it. By the time that’s done, I’ve forgotten to take my morning pills and by the time I realize it, I’m on the train to work. Sigh. I will definitely get a reserve supply together to bring to work tonight, but for now, I’m just hoping to make it until I get home at 6 p.m. without flipping out. I’m trying all my HSP calming techniques — took a long walk, drinking lots of water, avoiding stress, but I’m starting to feel myself tense up already. I took a lorazepam about a half hour ago, so I’m hoping, praying that’ll get me through the day.

How did I end up NEEDING pills like this?

Just looked in my pill organizer, and guess what?!  I didn’t take my Lexapro or Loestrin (birth control) yesterday morning.  Might’ve explained last night’s insanity.  Yeah, I rock.  Anyway, it’s good to know there was a partial reason, but bad to know that I can’t go a day without taking those damn pills without having a semi-panic attack.  I am still feeling shaky but I’m starting to feel a bit better as the Lexapro gets into my system, I think.

my head hurts, i’m shaking, i feel like i might puke, my heart’s racing.  i don’t think i’m dying so i guess it’s not a panic attack, but it’s pretty darn close.  sigh.  i know i’m not alone but i feel pretty darn alone right now

As I was walking back from lunch today, it occurred to me that I spend too much time worrying about the inevitable.

“What’s wrong with that?” you might ask. “At least she’s worrying about things that will actually happen, rather than inventing irrational worries.”

“True dat,” I eloquently respond.  BUT the problem with worrying about the inevitable is two-fold:

1. If it’s truly inevitable, you can’t change it, so what’s the point of worrying?
2. Many of the inevitable things I worry about may, and probably WON’T, occur until the distant future.

For example, I worry about losing my parents.  Both are in their 50s and in good health, and I have no reason to think they are any more likely to die today than I am.

I worry about my dog, which is probably a more immediate worry since he’s 13 years old, wheezy, and full of lumps and bumps.  But he’s happy enough and seems to feel pretty darn good on most days, so I should appreciate the time I have with him, rather than worrying.

I also dwell on upcoming events, like a trip I’m taking in about a month, where I’ll be missing my boyfriend.  Again, this is happening, and then it’ll be over, and all will be well, and it’s definitely not worth worrying about in advance.  But I do.

How do I let go of all of this stuff and live in the moment a little bit more?

No? Not so much? I know. It’s OK.

In this case, no news is OK news. I think returning my Lexapro dosage to 20 mg has been a good thing. I don’t feel quite as wack as I was feeling, so that’s good. Sleep has been excellent. I’m reading The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine Aron, as recommended by HSP Woman, and it’s definitely giving me some things to think about (though I’m wondering if I’m actually an HSP, since I was NOT a super sensitive baby, according to my parents–slept well, didn’t cry much, etc… but it’s interesting).

I did have some moody-craziness last weekend, which I didn’t understand, but then my period showed up, on day 16 of my cycle and way heavier than usual. I don’t know what’s up with that, but nothing surprises me in that respect anymore.

My dentist recommended an NTI device for my jaw pain, and I got it today, so I’m hoping it’ll help me with my TMJ fun.

Anyway, I think that’s all for now. Hope you’re all doing well!