Subject says it all.

So, I just got all teary cause my boyfriend works the next two nights.  He often works two nights.  But I am on my period, suffering from allergies, and lowered my dosage of Lexapro this week.  So, it’s normal that I’m being dumb and emotional over nothing, right?

As I mentioned in my previous post, I took 25 mg of Lexapro for the past two days, and now I’m down to 20 mg as of this morning.  Last week’s anxiety has dwindled, but I am feeling pretty lethargic and a little bit down.  I think that’s somewhat a result of allergies and my period, though.

I also went to my gynecologist yesterday, and my woman parts are all fine and dandy (with results from my pap smear pending).  I’ve been spotting since Saturday, and today my full-blown period started, so I was definitely PMS/DDing last week (and probably the week before, since my period was more than 10 days late).  My gyno said that the irregularity of my period, even though I’m on Loestrin 24 Fe, is not a cause for concern.  He said that some people are regularly irregular, and while he could switch my pill again, I shouldn’t be worried or anything.  For now, I’m just happy that I don’t have deathly horrible cramps or disastrous mood swings like I did before I was on the pill (and when I was on other birth control pills–i.e., Yasmin).  So, it’s good and bad news.  Sometimes, I almost wish they’d find something physically wrong in that respect, so they’d have something to fix.  Oh well, I know you have to be very careful what you wish for…

At yesterday’s psychiatrist visit, I told him that I think the higher dose of Lexapro has made me worse, if anything, so I’m going back to 20 mg. Since I had one last 10 mg tablet left, I split it in half and took 25 mg today and will take 25 again tomorrow, then I’ll be back to 20. I’m hoping this will be a good thing, since I am sleeping much better, with the trazodone, which makes such a difference. Anyway, we’ll see how it goes.

My period has arrived, or at least some sort of spotting, so there goes tomorrow’s gynecologist appointment, sigh. I don’t think he’ll let me have my exam, even if I’m just spotting, right?

This blog is a good thing, but the problem is that I haven’t had it for the past five years or so.

I mean, I sort of remember life before going on meds, and I remember when I was on meds that didn’t work.  I think I cried almost nightly.  I remember my boyfriend almost broke up with me (for about an hour, but still!) because he just thought nothing he could do would make me happy.  I remember having very little social life during grad school, because I just couldn’t deal with socializing, particularly when I was just so stressed about “proving myself” in a grad program that I wasn’t expected to succeed in.  Things were bad.  I was not functional, even though I don’t think many people knew…

But things are kind of bad now.  I’m at work, and I feel like crying because I think my co-worker is avoiding me.  It’s probably paranoia, or she’s probably having problems of her own, or whatever, but I just read into things too much (HSP?).  I also am feeling panicky because my boss just asked me to do something she’d agreed to do, which is due next Tuesday (and I’m taking a half sick-day to go to the ob-gyn on Monday).  Again, I still feel like I’m PMDDing, but no period, and I am now on day 38 of my cycle.

I have an inkling that I was feeling better two months ago, before my psychiatrist increased my dosage of Lexapro to 30 mg, but I’m not positive.  I don’t think it’s making me feel any better, that’s for sure!  So I guess I’ll see about going back to 20 mg.  Will decreasing the dosage put me through another hellish month, while adjust?  Probably.  Sigh.

The fun never ends.

Yup, now I’m crying about nothing.  God, I wish I knew if I was hormonal.

Also, my framed Pearl Jam concert poster just fell off my wall and hit me on the head.  Super.

First off, I want to say a big THANK YOU to all of you who leave me comments saying “I know what you’re going through.”  I love hearing that.   Well, I don’t love knowing that other people have to deal with this shit, because that would be selfish, I guess.  But it does help to know that I’m not completely alone.

I’m anxious. Again. I made the mistake of checking my work e-mail after I got home, and ended up getting anxious to the point of feeling physically ill about something that I logically know is SO not a big deal.  The dean apparently told my boss to “stop the presses” on an ad I wrote.  But she approved it, her boss approved it, so if there’s something wrong with it (I’ll find out what it was tomorrow), they should’ve caught it.  It’s really, really no big deal.  Yet, I will still lose sleep over it.  Or maybe not, because I took lorazepam and am starting to feel much better now!

At least I have something to talk to my psychiatrist about on Saturday, I guess.

I don’t feel right.  I still feel anxious, shaky, etc.  I can actually feel myself shaking as I sit here.  My head hurts.  My jaw’s been cracking like a mofo.  My instinct is that it’s hormonal, because I am now on day 35 of my menstrual cycle, but I don’t know that for sure, and I hate it.  On Saturday, I’ll go back to my psychiatrist and I’ll tell him this, and he’ll call me fuzzy again.  I am so freakin’ frustrated.

It’s Friday, and I’m reporting in with my Moodblog.  I’m at work right now, and I have a meeting in a few minutes, but I just wanted to post something while I thought of it.

I have been PMSing for a week or so, I believe, but NO PERIOD!  I’m on Loestrin-24 Fe, and that has been known to happen in the past.  Once, I didn’t have a period for 70 days, I think.  It’s not that I enjoy having my period, but it’s comforting to know that it’s the reason why I feel so crazy, ya know?  My period is horrible and painful when I’m not on the pill… or even when I’m on any other birth control, besides Loestrin… so I should be elated when I don’t have it, but it just feels weird (yes, I am sure I’m not pregnant).

At any rate, I’ve felt the need to take Lorazepam during the day twice this week, which I try to avoid, and I’ve gotten all teary about dumb things on a couple of occasions (e.g., when the dean of the college where I work asked me to make a certificate for someone, when I am not his administrative assistant, and I was supposed to be attending this event as an audience member, not an employee).  Anyway, I just wish Aunt Flow would get here and assure me that I am hormonal, not crazy.  However, since I’m on day 32 of my cycle at this point, I’m not holding my breath…

Yes, I continue to be the worst moodblogger ever.  Work and class have just been crazy, and I feel like there aren’t enough hours in a day.  Also, I just have no idea where I am, emotionally.  I guess I’m not doing BADLY.  I am less irritable this week, but by 3 p.m., I just feel tired and done, which is a bad thing when I work until 5!

I’m just not entirely sure how to proceed.  I am only 27.  I want to feel young and energetic.  I want to feel motivated to go out with people and do things and be fun, but all I really want to do is watch TV and take photos.  That almost sounds like depression, when I put it that way, doesn’t it?