I’ve been having trouble falling asleep the past couple nights, but I haven’t been super sleepy.  I feel edgy, jittery, maybe anxious…  Work has been busy, but I know it’s nothing I can’t handle.  Am I anxious?  Maybe.  Kind of.  Sort of.  This is me being “fuzzy” again, I guess.  Anyway, that’s where I am today.  I’ll try to write more soon, but right now, I’m just trying to relax.

Yesterday morning, I woke up after I’d only had about 7.5 hours of sleep and couldn’t get back to bed.  I was tired all day.  Today, I got about 9.5 hours of sleep, so hopefully I’ll feel better.  My TMJ (or I think that’s what it is?  My jaw keeps popping and it aches) is acting up, and so are my allergies, so I’m bound to feel rough.  I’m still in bed right now, and I think I’m going to watch Grey’s Anatomy before I venture out of my room.

I’ve been reading more about being a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) online, and it really does seem to describe me well.  I’m not sure what to do with that, yet, but it’s interesting.  I ordered a book on it from PaperbackSwap.com so I’ll be learning more. I just feel so… delicate.  And I hate that.

I am not sure that my psychiatrist is a very intelligent person.  As I’ve learned through working in higher education, you can get a doctorate and still lack a lot of basic common sense.  That seems to be the case here.

I told him how I’ve been feeling since he increased my doses of Trazodone and Lexapro last month.  Yes, I know I can be complicated and confusing, so I guess it’s not totally his fault.  He told me that I seem a bit “fuzzy” about how I’m feeling and that I should get more sleep because people on meds like these often need more sleep.  I believe that, and I was glad to hear that my urge to go to bed at 10 every night has a valid, scientific explanation.

But in terms of my “fuzzy” description of how I’m feeling…. Shouldn’t he ask the right questions to help me describe it better?  All he asked was “Are you depressed?”  I said I was feeling lethargic, a lot of the time, and that I generally have a pessimistic attitude, knowing that those symptoms alone don’t describe depression, but I hoped they would prompt him to ask more questions.  Instead, he said, “That’s not depressed!”  Well, OK then.  He said to give things another month and try to keep better track of WHEN I’m feeling lethargic.  And to try to get more sleep, which would be super if I didn’t have an hour and 15 minute commute each day.  Seven hours is about all I can fit in!  Blah.

Anyway, that’s basically all I have to recap at this moment.  But expect more posts this month, saying “I’m tired,” just so I can note when I feel that way.

Oh, one more thing to add.

Lately, I’ve been taking my one Lorazepam tablet per day before bed, to help with sleep, along with my Trazodone. Works super. Yesterday, I was feeling extra anxious and I took one on my way home from work. And I started to feel relaxed. I found myself smiling at things, and such. Why can’t I feel that way all the time? I want to tell my psychiatrist that THAT’S how I want to feel, but I think he’d think I was an addict or something. Which I guess I am, a little bit? I don’t know. I just want to feel happy and relaxed.

…and for that, I am terribly sorry.  Though, it’s really my loss, as I’m the one who is supposed to be trying to “figure myself out” here.

I spent last weekend working my ass off to get various errands done (as well as work for the class I’m taking) before the fun and exciting Nor’easter hit.

I am trying to figure out how I’ve been feeling since my dosage was increased for the Lexapro and Trazodone, about a month ago.  Not overly anxious, but a bit irritable (like, a couple of people who mildly annoy me are just driving me insane, so I’m avoiding dealing with them totally, and I’ve felt quick to cry in a couple cases).  I’ve slept well, but I’ve also kind of been lethargic.

It’s all just such a balancing act, and I don’t know what to tell my psychiatrist when I go to my appointment this Saturday.  It’s, like… I’m getting by OK.  Things could definitely be worse.  I am just happy I’m sleeping, to be honest.  So I’m afraid of him adding something that will screw me up further, but I don’t necessarily want to go on like this either….

Ughhh.  If any of my two readers have thoughts on this, I’d love to hear them…

The evening after my last post, my boyfriend came over when I got off work, and I cried on his shoulder for half the night. I was just so PMSy and frustrated about work…

One of the people I work closest with is very loud and always screaming for attention. And she always gets it. I, on the other hand, do my work, and I’m not reclusive or anything, but I always feel like I’m in her shadow. Now, granted, she’s a Web developer and I’m a marketing writer/editor, but I couldn’t believe it when I found out she gets paid four grand a year more than me! I’ve been here longer than her, and I have a master’s degree and she doesn’t. So I cried about that, even though I know logically that so-called IT people always get paid more than us poor starving writers. In my PMSy state, though, I took this really hard and kept saying I need to go get a Ph.D. so I can get some respect (I really do want to do that someday).

Anyway, yesterday was better. I did feel a bit anxious and frantic, but it was a crazy busy day, so that’s to be expected.

I also want to add that, in terms of falling asleep and staying asleep, I’m doing really well with the combo of 100 mg of Trazodone and 1 mg of Lorazepam before going to bed. We’ll see how long this lasts, but it’s been MUCH better than Ambien or Lunesta.

OK, back to work!

I almost burst into tears because my co-worker jokingly said that I hoard Tylenol packs from our supply closet.  I am moody and irritable and I want to hide away before I make an ass of myself and break down at work.

If you read the previous post, this probably makes sense.

I guess it’s time for me to talk about PMDD.  After years of cramps that almost caused me to pass out on several occasions, and mood swings that caused me screw up my life on multiple occasions, my gynecologist diagnosed me with Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD).  It is incredibly hard for me to figure out how this ties in with my anxiety and depression, particularly because, even when I’m on birth control (currently, Loestrin 24 Fe), Aunt Flow just flies on into town whenever she feels like it–with no relation to whether or not I’m on the placebo pills or not.  Yes, I’ve been checked out, and I’m gynecologically (is that a word?) healthy.  I am just “normally abnormal” in this regard, and there’s nothing that can be done.

Anyway, today is day 21 of my cycle, and I randomly woke up bleeding (sorry for the imagery, and now I wonder h0w much of what I was feeling was PMDD/PMS.  How much is that, how much is the meds, how much is me?  The confusion alone is enough to make me go crazy!

I guess it’s a form of anxiety.  I might forget about something that worries me for an hour, a day, or week, but then something triggers it, and it’s stuck in my head.  For example, in April 2003, my grandfather passed away.  My parents were out of town, and I was dog-sitting.  I was trying to sleep in, and the phone rang.  I ignored it, because I always ignore the phone when it rings if I’m trying to sleep, because I figure that if anyone wants me, they’ll leave a message.  It rang again, and again.  And then the doorbell started to ring, again and again.  I dragged myself out of bed, not even bothering to make myself presentable, and answered the door.  It was my next door neighbor.  He told me that my grandmother had been trying to call, because my grandpa had a heart attack.

He was 83.  Lived a long, full, wonderful life.  He was active until the end.  What more can you ask for?  Yet, I still worry when my parents are out of town, that something else will happen.  Or even when they’re not out of town, when the phone rings early.  I logically know it’s not a reasonable thing to worry about, but I do.

Tonight, I took my dog out for a run, and he ate some nasty substance (probably excrement from some other animal) before I could stop him.  Now, I am terrified that I’ll wake up and find him horribly ill.  Or worse.

Sometimes I don’t do this.  And if you can imagine, I used to be much worse.

Anyway, I am going to attempt sleep now, but I just wanted to get that out.

I am at work, and it’s about 11:30 a.m.  I just stepped outside to make a phone call, and it occurred to me that I was feeling pretty calm.  I got a solid seven hours of sleep last night, got up, let my dog out before work (usually someone else takes care of that, but I am “home alone” this week), and waited for my late train in the cold.  But I feel reasonably awake and OK. Just freakin’ hungry.  I think about food way too much, and someday, when my metabolism slows down, I know it’s going to bite me in the ass.

At any rate, I just wanted to document the fact that I am feeling pretty decent at the moment, since sometimes I forget to post here when I’m feeling normal.